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The
Golden Gobblers Salem is not always gloom and doom; it can also be sad and pathetic with a tinge of irony. Now we're moving toward the mid-term of the session: The easy stuff is getting adopted, and the hard stuff is coming up quickly. The budget, schools, PERS, services for our frail and needy; all these serious discussions were slowed down by the additional bloodletting we did at the beginning because of Kevin Mannix and his merry band of secret planners deep-sixing Measure 28. The co-chairs of Ways and Means are going to release a "strawman" budget next week that some have described as Oregon's version of "shock and awe." School cuts, human service cuts and public safety cuts so deep that it makes you wonder if the state can even continue to provide basic public safety. We've just about finished with the meet-and-greet-grip-and-grins that characterize the first part of the session; those social hours with lobbyists who bring in their clients from around the state to meet us — businesses, doctors, lawyers, CPAs, unions, dental hygienists, nudists and cockfighters — all the usual special interests. The CPAs, for example, are a very lively group, relatively speaking — much more fun than, say, a party full of actuaries and pension lawyers. By the way, an actuary is not a place where they bury dead actors; it's a statistician who gazes into a 30-year crystal ball. An actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting. Can you tell I'm a little stressed out about PERS? Mark Nelson, a lobbyist and pollster, tries to keep us all from going crazy by hosting the Oregon Legislature's version of the Oscars — The Golden Gobblers — the turkey bills of the session. I was one of the judges, probably because I won third place — a frozen rock Cornish game hen — for one of my 1995 bills. The other judges were: Bill Perry, a lobbyist for the restaurant industry; Chuck Bennett, former state representative and lobbyist now for the school administrators; and, of course, the queen of everything, Rayna de Tortuga — who, by the way, is from Jefferson County, not Crook County. We gave honorable mention awards to the following: Rep. Cliff Zauner for HB3132: allows for hunting and killing trumpeter swans. Rep. Derrick Kitts for HB3162: establishes High Tech Hall of Fame within the State Capitol — better hurry, the last one's about ready to leave the state. Rep. Betsy Close for HB2538: creates crime of human cloning — rumors that it was aimed at me were not verified. Sen. Charles Starr for SB666 (who was the devious bastard that gave this bill that number?): creates an offense of distracted driving with a $150 fine — probably aimed at drivers listening to Lars Larson. Sen. Bev Clarno for SJR31: recognizes official tartan of state — taupe represents high desert, azure represents streams and creeks, black represents obsidian buttes, you get the drift. Sen. Gary George for SB533: establishes Tax Me More Fund. I'll say no more. I thought he deserved first prize. Former Rep. Al King for pre-session filed HB2294: provides that a person commits criminal trespass in second degree if person flies model aircraft below specified altitude in airspace above privately owned property — and I thought PERS reform was daunting. Another Rep. Betsy Close for HB2416: at the request of the Oregon Cattlemen, defines science for purposes of statute. "Science means the systematic enterprise of gathering knowledge about the universe and organizing and condensing that knowledge into testable laws and theories." Ah, I feel so much better now! As Rayna said, this wins the Carl Sagan Award. And the winners: Third Place: Senators Starr (Charles and Bruce, father and son) for SJR33: amends Oregon Constitution to prohibit person younger than 21 from viewing nudity or sexual activity…we call it the "mooning" bill, or the don't-walk-in-on-your-parents bill, or the if-you-get-married-before-you're-21-you're-going-to-be-very-bored bill. Second place: Rep. Greg Smith for HB3010: relating to steel erections — Greg is stretching his diplomatic immunity way too far! First place: My own Rep. Jeff Kruse for HB2608: creates a Task Force on Embryo Adoptions. We think Jeff has mistakenly assumed that he can claim his, well, his offspring, as dependents for a tax deduction. Think about it. So, the next time some ignorant fool tells you that he doesn't think the Oregon Legislature is paying attention to the real, everyday issues of our state, you tell him he's got another think coming! Stay tuned. Sen. Tony Corcoran of Cottage Grove represents portions of Lane and Douglas counties in Senate District 4, which includes the UO area. He can be reached at sen.tonycorcoran@state.or.us
Wattle
World Florida's coastal communities have nice weather — between hurricanes — if you like hot and humid. Their muggy climate is famous for sustaining primitive life forms such as mildews, cockroaches, vacationing college students, and people who voted Republican in the last election — thanks a lot. But, Florida's year-round warmth appeals to old people, and, hang on to your hat, lesbians get old, too. Even Sweetie and I are noticing the effects of gravitational pull. According to www.PlanetOut.com (and, by the way, not one newspaper in this town) two pushy old homo retirees want to enjoy their golden years in a Florida resort community that doesn't want to let them in. And it doesn't have to. Florida, as most of our great country, is legally entitled to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. Those two nervy old dykes in Florida want to change that. They want equal access to the Bingo tables and they're putting up a fight. But don't give up on traditional family values yet. Unlike our thighs, Florida is holding firm. What's their deal, anyway? Is there a shortage of mashed peas and carrots? Do two old dykes gumming each other without their dentures somehow threaten America's moral fiber? Speaking of gumming, Florida is also one of the 16 states in the U.S. that still has — and enforces — anti-sodomy laws. You can do 60 days in a Florida jail and be fined $500 for breaking the cunnilingus, fellatio, or anal coitus prohibition. That goes for heterosexuals, too, so next time you're "down there" be thankful you're not in Florida! I wouldn't live in Florida for all the fresh grapefruit in, well, Florida. Speaking of citrus, orange juice spokeswoman Anita Bryant's "Save Our Children" crusade — mother of all "modern" (and I use the term loosely) anti-gay campaigns — originated in Miami's Dade County. Florida's proud history of homophobia keeps slithering right along like a gator in the everglades. Under the benevolent rule of Brother Bush, Florida continues to roll up its diversity welcome mat. The Sunshine State is no more friendly to lesbian and gay people than to the African American and Jewish Democrats who tried to vote in the 2000 elections. Florida's queer-hating is like gray hair: We can cover it up, we can dye it purple, but we can't get rid of it. Sweetie and I plan to enjoy an uninhibited old age right here in our own town. Our flesh is already showing age signs, prompting our newest athletic endeavor, Wattle Ball™. So far our game invention has one rule: the only body part you can hit the ball with must be devoid of bone or muscle. Leave it to lesbians to enjoy aging. We practice being our alter-elders, "Lefty and Shekkie." Last night, Lefty pulled her lips in over her teeth (still her own), smacked her tongue and asked, "So, Shekkie, how are you, sweet-hawt?" I squeezed up my face for maximal wrinklage. "Oy, Lefty, yah still such a beauty. And what a wattle!" Lefty's under-chin jiggled like an excited waterballoon. "Shekkie, sweet-hawt, show me those fabulous wing dangles of yours." I raised my arms and flapped the loose meat. The ready position for Wattle Ball™. We're hoping to market our Wattle Ball™ invention someday, but it's still in the R&D phase. Should the slow-flying foam ball come in bright varicose blue or neutral liver-spot brown? We're perfecting the chin, arm, and thigh Wattle Ball™ whapping technique. Loose flesh is one resource whose abundance we can count on without invading another country. Our target market is the non-age-phobic who won't be squandering their limited incomes on botox. Lefty and Shekkie will be the happy lezbo geezers photographed on the game's package. We'll rake it in. Then we can build a Florida retirement resort and admit whomever we choose. If we're really lucky, Wattle Ball™ will get us rich enough to buy our own governor. Sally Sheklow's column "Living Out" got its start in EW in 1999 and now appears regularly in over a dozen publications. Sally teaches writing at LCC in Eugene.
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