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A recent episode of Fox's newest TV hit series, Boston Public, had a teacher catching a female student performing oral sex on a male student. In her defense, the girl declared, "But it meant nothing! We never even kissed!" If that's what young love has come to, then it's high time we change course and see that kissing becomes the media topic of the day. There's nothing like the first kiss. You remember it forever. The first love, those long dates where passion started 4 and ended 4 with the kiss, leaving you in such a heightened state of arousal it was virtually impossible to concentrate on your social studies teacher's lecture the next day. Kissing goes back to the beginning of time, maybe even before humans. Diane Fossey discovered that her gorilla friends kissed. Chimpanzees have been observed kissing on cheeks and hands in the wild, as part of a complex social ritual. In ancient Greece, there were three types of kisses known: osculum, for friendship, given on the cheek; basium, for affection, given on the lips; and sauvium, for love, given between the lips. The Old Testament is all over kisses; lovers kiss, brothers kiss,
mothers and children kiss. Just go to a big Jewish family gathering today and try
to leave without getting kissed to death. It's tradition. According to Freud, the urge to kiss goes back to the suckling instinct. Babies sometimes suck their thumbs while still in utero. At birth, a baby knows how to suckle and the contact of lips on mother's flesh bonds, feeds and nurtures. Caress a lover's cheek and he turns to you: that's the rooting instinct. It lets baby know which direction to turn his head so he can find the breast. As for how great it feels, that's the security and nurturing that comes from momma. That's Frued's theory, at least. It doesn't jive with the way kissing makes you feel all the time. Your increased heartrate and faster breathing; the feel of your lover's heart thumping against your chest; the increase in saliva as your tongues swirl together; the urge to devour each other as he tilts your head back and cups his hands under your jaw and your knees begin to weaken. "Poets went to the kiss in describing sexual pleasure and expanded my whole understanding of what a kiss is," says sex therapist and author Wendy Maltz, editor of the recently released Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure. "The more intimate the kiss, the more profound the connection. Not just a good kiss, but really knowing your partner and communicating genuine feeling, being sensitive to your partner's reactions and responses." In fact, at any given moment, a different type of kiss can be appropriate. There are so many to choose from, and probably a lot that haven't been invented yet. "Butterful kisses are some of the most exciting," says Maltz. "They can say a lot more than a deep throat kiss." Keep that in mind next time you plant one on your love. Try to be aware of your surroundings. The "passionate wet-tongue swordlike kiss is more fitting with passion that has already been stirred up in the midst of making love rather than giving it to someone who just came home from work," Maltz advises. All sorts of kisses have been lauded in literature. Modern times have given us film kisses, from the 1943 movie, For Whom the Bell Tolls, in which Ingrid Bergman asks Gary Cooper "Where do the noses go?" to Andy Warhol's 1963 feature-length movie Kiss, in which Naomi Levine kisses Rufus Collins, Gerald Malanga and Ed Saunders. The critical response to Warhol's lip tribute was "boooorrrr-ing," leaving us to wonder if too much of a good thing is not so great or if kissing just makes a lousy spectator sport. Of course, in some cultures, public kissing is taboo. In Japan, kissing is considered sexual foreplay, and absolutely not OK to do in front of others. In many Middle Eastern countries, men kiss men, but never kiss women in public. Here in the U.S. of course, we may not be Italy, but lovers don't hold back. Whether people enjoyed public kissing or not was just one of many questions asked in a survey done by Art of Kissing (it's a silly book) author William Cane. Asked how much they enjoyed the most favorite kisses (French, neck, public, etc.), men and women answered similarly in every category except one: the neck. More than 90 percent of women answered they liked getting kissed on the neck. Fewer than 10 percent of men did. Shocked by the results, EW conducted its own unofficial in-house survey to see if men liked getting kissed on the neck. Of 10 men surveyed (only questioned, not kissed), seven responded "ooh yeah baby" or something similar. But the three who said "no" really meant no. "Yuck." "Wet slimy thing on my neck like a slug." "Boring." "Doesn't get you anywhere." "Irritating." If not all types of kisses are popular, some at least will never go out of fashion. Like the ultimately romantic (old-fashioned, sexist, OK, OK) hand-kissing. One of the most respectful and romantic ways people can show their interest in potential partners is to take a hand in greeting (or when saying farewell) and brush a gentle, dry kiss upon its back. If the kissee is not interested, he'll/she'll most often smile and politely move on. Rather than suffer embarrassment and awkward rejection, the wooer is left with pride intact, looking gallant. If the kissee is interested, he/she has numerous options for responding, and you can bet the best response will be done not with the lips, but with the eyes. But that's another story. Happy
Birthdates That more complete information can be included in searching for a romantic compatibility profile simply by logging onto the Internet. Just type in "astrological compatibility" and a whole store of sites are available at your fingertips. Instant 10-page long reports 4 for free 4 can be spewed back to the browser within minutes. Even faster analyses can be found. One site lists physical, emotional and intellectual compatibility by percentage points. You type in your information and your partner's (or would-be partner). Immediately, you get your relationship rating: Physical: 98 percent (Wow! you think); Emotional: 72 percent (Hmm, pretty average); Intellectual 86 percent. (OK, not bad). Then you get your overall rating and can decide to pursue or not, from there. But does any of it hold water? What is it based upon? Susan Dearborn-Jackson, longtime astrologer, says there is something to compatibility based on birthdates. Although she calls herself "old-fashioned" and doesn't use computers, she does do relationship charts for clients. "Many years ago, I read an article written by or about a judge
who worked in a divorce court and he noticed doing research that he granted fewer
divorces to people whose birthdays were closer together, just two to three months
apart," says Dearborn-Jackson. His take was that the personal planets 4 Sun,
Moon, Venus, Mercury, and Mars 4 had a profound effect on relationships. "That
makes sense because Mercury can only be 30 degrees from your sun and that's how you
communicate. If somebody's birthday is within 30 days of yours, Mercury will be prominently
aspected. Venus can never be more than 60 degrees from the Sun. That's what I pay
attention to," she says.
Dearborn-Jackson says she also looks at how many of the same signs are shared. For example, a Libra sun would be well-matched with someone with a Libra moon or Libra rising. "It's not totally 100 percent foolproof but that's one quick compatibility check I would do." Another is looking at where Venus and Mars are located in relation to each other. "They are the great lovers in mythology, and that also plays out in astrology," she says. Beyond that, Dearborn-Jackson will do a composite, that is taking the midpoints between every pair of planets. In doing that type of chart, it's possible to set up a whole chart just for the relationship, as if it's a third entity, made up of the two partners but its own creature. For the composite, Dearborn-Jackson likes to wait until a couple has been together awhile. "If people come in in the honeymoon stage, they don't want to hear what's going to come up that's going to be difficult. No one wants to hear the challenges at the beginning. You get that down the road." As for the Internet at-your-fingertips-reports and The Birthday Book, she says it reminds her of Sun Sign columns in newspapers. "Some people might find their mates that way, I don't know." But one thing she points out is that such charts can help, that is they can signify strengths in relationships, even if there are weak spots. "It's good to know what you can fall back on; that's what creates bonds," she says. Back to the computer printouts: Say your physical compatibility is weak, your emotional and intellectual is high. Well, on some nights, you may find yourself relaxing at home by the fire engaged in a loving game of chess. Is that so bad? It's up to you. One thing readings can't do, of course, is measure all the life experience of any individual. The planets were aligned a certain way at birth, but life has been knocking against you, smoothing some edges, sharpening others, to make its own imprint on your desires. "What we desire in our 20s and 30s changes in our 40s and 50s," says Dearborn-Jackson, and, she adds, "What I can't tell two people in a reading is what their willingness to love is. Or what their willingness to commit is." While Dearborn-Jacskon admits there are obviously better matches than others, she says astrology leaves out one major thing: "The mystery of human connection. Those programs miss that totally." Amazing
Friendship
Her perspective on people has changed since he has come into her life. Beth feels she now has a standard by which to measure new people she meets. If someone holds some qualities her soul mate holds, that person is allowed into her heart. When asked why she doesn't move to Cambridge with her transportable career, she responds, "I don't want to find out that he's not my soul mate." What is a soul mate? Socrates believed we were separated at birth from our other half. When we recognize ourselves in another person and that person in turn recognizes his/herself in us, we have met our soul mate. These are the people, Socrates says, who cannot tell anyone exactly what it is they enjoy about each other because it is more than a physical yearning. They are lost in the joy of love and friendship with each other. Jo calls the meeting the Twin Flame. If we are in a place of need when our meeting occurs, she believes, then one will devour the other in fire. However, if both hold their personal power in check, the flame ignites. And then Socrates' "amazing friendship" will emerge. We Americans have had the problem of growing up with savior myths in the form of fairy tales, institutionalized religion, television programs depicting the perfect love affairs and perfect families. We believe that there is the perfect person out there, who will "save" us, aka our soul mate. We have gotten into trouble with this romantic belief of ours. As a culture we wait for "Heaven" or "Prince Charming" or our "Fairy Godmother" to pull us from our ash. And as we wait we are living the greatest fairy tale of all time: "Sleeping Beauty." We are all sleeping our lives away, waiting for Soul Mate to come and kiss our little hearts. Yawn. We are hopelessly misguided. Our soul mate is not our savior. Personally, I don't believe I am ready to meet my soul mate. If I ever do I know I will fail miserably. I don't think I am, as of yet, highly evolved enough to understand what to do when such an occurence happens. Knowing this about myself, I have chosen to believe in the "prism of recognition." I find the soul mate quality reflected and refracted from my friends and from those I love. All of them different, all of them holding small yet intimate pieces of what I hold dear to my soul. My friend and colleague knows the complexity of a labyrinthian mind. Another friend and I nod at one another when we watch our mysterious first borns. My husband and I don't need a lot of words to share our similar world view. A mentor of mine and I share the word passion between us on our Saturday morning hikes. The connection might happen instantly with someone, but it might also happen through the time we spend with another. The soul mate quality? It is the feeling of shared experience 4 when we look at something together we both know what it is we are seeing, feeling, experiencing. We yearn for that experience. Being alone is our existential reality. We are born alone, yet we long for company in our personal human dilemma. If we are always searching for our soul mates, we will be searching forever. We're so busy looking that we don't see them right under our noses in our children, our friends, our lovers. I was brought up on "Sleeping Beauty." She is now in a closed book, gathering dust on my bookshelf.
Food and love, this is old stuff, ancient: Adam, Eve and apple; way to man's heart; "a dinner of herbs where love is ... a mess of potage with love"; Olympian nectar and ambrosia; the "sweets and bitters of love"; Curly locks feeding on strawberries and cream; Georgie Porgie pudding and pie, making girls cry; Jack Sprat and wife polishing plates; passion's joyful feast of kisses and caresses. This goes way, way beyond Loverdude sliding up to the door with heart-shaped Whitman Sampler tucked under arm. Beyond the candle-glowing table and feast of beast. This approaches the synergizing juncture of elemental needs, the stuff of fission and fusion. Couple problems quickly arise: One, humanfolk have furiously sought, through all history and climes, for a surefire passion-provoking potage or potion, with mixed results. We might wonder how many rhinos have been slaughtered just because a grind of horn is supposed to have direct impact on male erectile tissues. Remember Spanish Fly? Some folks still swear by the aphrodisiacal power of pure chocolate, but reports vary on this or any other erogenous comestibles. Basically, it seems there are no certainties when we come to foods of love. Which leads us to a second problem: This one's meat is that one's poison. Consider oysters. Many men seem to savor the libidinous bivalve (supposed to raise and firm one's interest in conjugal activity), but most women seem to find them unappetizing. And Rocky Mountain oysters are another matter altogether. That said, what follows are the results of years of experiments, investigations and conferrals with experts on the subject of foods for, uh, fondling, or what one lusty young woman termed "lube-food." Suggestions for the courses of desire: Teasers Titillators: Snails? Think about it. Caviar: some find it fabulous, others nasty; it seems to divide respondents. Consult; if OK, combine with bubbly and crackers. Soup's On: Pass, risk of spillage and dribbling. OK, maybe Chinese hot-and-sour. Greener Grasses: Portland's Zefiro used to make a Caesar salad with just the tenderest hearts of romaine, leaving the leaves whole, dressed and sprinkled thickly with fresh-ground Parmesan, dappled with thick, crunchy croutons. Could only be eaten with fingers, with much salacious licking, slurping of cold riesling, go directly to bed. The Main Spread Pastas' Potentials: All noodles are by nature sexy. Just remember Lady and Tramp sharing a slurp. That's amoré. Vivacious Veggies: Open to taste, but base rules hold: Avocado always, artichokes never. No member of the cabbage family, no argument. Surf's Up: For erotic impact, the winner is lobster, something about that firm white flesh dripping with butter, omygaw. Hands raised for New England green-lipped mussels; watch these people. Viands: Steak still garners many votes as supreme carnal carne; downside, known to promote napping over nuzzling. Love on the Wing: No way is chicken ever erotic. Roast pheasant, yes, even roast cornish game hen stuffed with rosemary. Turkey, definite no; duck, yes. Lady Lube-food says, "Marché has duck in lavender sauce so intense I can't eat it unless I KNOW I'm gonna get laid." Since Like Water for Chocolate, many votes for roast quail in rose petal mole. Olé! Toro! Fecund Fungi: The world's humblest life form also rates among the world's most erogenous eating. Truffles, white or black, deliver flavors so complex, so stimulating, they should be consumed in the boudoir. But few other mushrooms, except the luscious portobello, as tasty (or better) as any meat. Votes for Chinese cloud's ear, erotic just to touch. Post-Feasting, Pre-Trysting Nuts are Death: No nuts. None. Never. Locking lips with a mouthful of half-ground nutmeat? Nuh-uh. Pastry Palpitations: Mousse made from star thistle honey. Keep it light. Cheesecake's OK in tiny slivers. Ice creams, no; sorbet, si -- grapefruit/grappa sorbetto so yummy it draws winsome tears. Let's be honest: In the right circumstances, burnt toast can be a turn-on. Anyway, we've barely uncovered the essentials. Our research is ongoing, and we hope this partial report leads to enriched encounters. We'd love to hear from you. Wishing you a voluptuous Valentine's Day.
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Kisses
have been considered the act of passing the life force (breath) between two people.
A way of intermingling souls. The deepest way of connecting. Kisses can melt your
heart, steal your love, seal a contract and drive you to your knees. But let's just
stay with mouth-to-mouth kissing.
For most Americans -- both women and men -- the subject of erotic food has
a ton of traction, especially at times like Valentine's Day. Some heavy bets are
going to cross the tables on this night; some folks are gonna scoop up jackpots,
some will go home empty as their pockets.
Candy's Dandy: 'Nuff said. Even if merely symbolic, candy, especially
chocolate, has power to inspire amorous intent.